God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
my poor anus
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