Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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