Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
