I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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