so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
