got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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