Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
