Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
