The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
