When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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