So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
