i permit you to call me
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
