just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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