so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
