Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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