I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Come share oat with me in your robe
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
