I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I understand Curling. That high.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
