please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It's never too late to be topless.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
