your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
