Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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