Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
