ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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