I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
