I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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