If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
