from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
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