i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
