My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
