I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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