she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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