Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
