Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
