My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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