my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
