I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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