On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
