So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
