how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
