i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
