my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
