mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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