Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
