U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
