I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
