life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
