i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
