Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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