Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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