Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
