I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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