im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
