Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
